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Tuesday, 03 August 2010

I'm Alive!!!!

I feel like i only write on Xanga when my life is no bueno... YUCK! Well here is some good news!

So summer began... I moved in with my sister into a little duplex in Riverwest (a rather ritzy part of Milwaukee). Then my family and i went to Washington for a vacation with two other family friends. We rented this beautiful summer home. It was great except for a little awkwardness between Eric and I...

Came home and then had nada else planned for the summer besides just hang. Well it was great for about three weeks, but then i became rather lonely for company since my sister works all day.

I knew the wrong thing to do was just sit back and let someone rescue me. So instead i went crazy trying to call the very small pod of friends i have to see if they were around. Well most of them didn't even respond or were busy with jobs.

For a week i was actually a little "depressed'. But i wasn't giving up!!

So i went on craigslist everyday to see what jobs were out there. I applied to a lot of places. But... nada...

BUT THEN!!!! VA VA VOOM!!!!! I got a response back from a salon... VA VA VOOM!! Another response from a family who needed a babysitter/dog sitter!!! VA VA VOOM!! My friends started calling me back!!

Suffer, hold on tight, don't give up or give in and then VA VA VOOM...

Happiness :)

Thursday, 03 June 2010

Is it safe to say...

That i couldn't care less if i EVER see him again? I feel so selfish and bad saying it but... I DON'T! I mean he's been a plus to my year and has helped me learn more about the cruel cruel world, yet i feel fine going my own way and leaving all that's happened behind. He's giving me all the attention I'd lost in that week and uhhhh i feel so bad to say that I'm sucking it all in like a vacuum.

Today, i hung out with him after school because it was the second to last day and i just don't give a F what happens between us now. I let him hug me, put his hands all over RESPECTABLE places (lol) and just be all close to him. I let him touch me mostly because we are graduating next week after exams and i wont see him maybe ever again. Does that make sense? To feel fine at the fact that i let him be close to me only because I'll never see him again? I'm a confusing, twisted girl, i know!

Anyway enough about him!

I've started doing beauty tutorials on YouTube. Even though i have two subsribers, I'm not bothered by it because i have so much fun filming and planning my videos! Check me out if you want to see a funny girl being a guru :D

http://www.youtube.com/user/BonitaMelida131

Besides that I've been addressing graduation cards, soaking up the sun, and reading Life of Pi! Best book ever!

Listen to this song if you're in a bad mood! I promise you'll feel healed!!! (Sorry i couldn't just put the video up, it wont' let me) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQN4T34K820

Monday, 24 May 2010

Sunny Skies= Warm spirits

Hello!!!!!

Today was beautifully amazing. It was 88 degrees and sunny, blue skies. Every petty problem that I have been dealing with was washed, rung, and dried in the Wisconsin heat.

After school, my best friend Samantha dropped me off at home. She asked me to spend the night at her house and i was totally up for it. Yet then she knew she was only asking me so she would not have to study for her Calculus exam that is tomorrow. So i encouraged her to study and not have me be a distraction. We are having a sleep over this Thursday (no school Friday) and maybe getting rid of a ghost in her house! :o

So, as i went inside my house, i dropped my book bag on the floor, took off my jewelry, grabbed my camera, and went for the most wonderful walk ever!

Not once did i let my chest heave with sadness from his neglect and wilting attention towards me. No. I let the wind whirl around me, giving off a mixture of spicy chocolate, roses, and fresh lake water. I let mother nurture whip my spirit back into shape.

When i got to Lake Michigan (btw i live in Milwaukee Wisconsin) i sat on the white rocks, dipped my toes in the water and hummed the lullaby from Pan's Labyrinth. In my head i said "Be gone you gray, doubting feelings. March your way out of my organs!"

I felt the waves, laced with seaweed, suck out my hate, anger, stress, and sadness. They are now carrying my fiery emotions far out. I expect them to be lying in a heap somewhere on a beach in Michigan tomorrow morning. :)

I continued on from the secluded rocky area i picked to drop off my emotions, and onto Bradford beach. This is Milwaukee's most famous beach and it is a true gem! Everyone was out in swim suits, there browning skin drinking the sun like a ice cold lemonade.

So i had some encounters here.

1) Obviously baked out of his mind guy asks if he can take a walk with me (my answer: HELL NO!)

2) Tripped down a sand dune in front of hot guys (grrrrrr!)

3) Got asked why i was not in a bikini (ew! as if!)

4) Got called sexy and guy asks how old i am (my answer: That is really none of your business)

5) Got honked at by colorful ghetto boy cars (my answer: The middle finger)

Well now I'm at home writing this! Hope you all had a wonderful day!

~Mel~

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Hot, tingly, needles

Lately I've been having like six crying or throwing stuff around meltdowns. Not to get into detail but I've been feeling like super icky. It's just when someone who has been giving you attention and makes you feel like you exist just suddenly looses interest, it stabs you HARD!

My head feels like there is a 100 pound weight on it. My stomach feels swollen with defeat. And my neck feels like it's being pricked with hot, tingly needles.

Why don't relationships work out for me? I'm mostly talking romantic but also friendly. I just feel like everyone is going to grow tired of me eventually, and it totally bites because i know thats not true, yet i still second guess myself.

I also have started hating texting mega tons, and yet i still find myself useing it becaseu I'm to chicken to pick up the phone and call someone, is that weird! I never can desipher if someone hates me or is giving me the cold shoulder and i shy away from asking because then i look stupid and needy. I wish he knew that i totally hate him for letting me know. And i also hate another him for making me feel like I'm not good enough to be around.Grrrr. I'm releasing thoughts that don't make sense to anyone but me, I'm sorry. Lets write something else.

Today my school had a choir car wash. So i went to the parking lot where they wash the cars. It was still the time before cars could get washed so everyone was just chilling and talking. So i sit down in the grass enveloped and immediatly begin thinking about why I'm never good enough. (Ewwww god i sound like such a loser!)
All the other kids are super close and are in a tight circle. Then the most popular one said she wanted to sit down so everyone followed her to the cement stairs a couple feet behind the grassy area where i was sitting. So my head began pounding with questions like... Mel you should go sit with them! Come on you look like a loser sitting all by yourself! It's okay that you're shy, they all know! But they probably don't want me there! I'm too quiet and dull! But they all are so nice to you, go sit with them! No! I want to mope! No! That's bad. It leads to depression... Then the popular girl yells "Mel you're welcome to join us!"

And uhhhh I'm such a idiot. I turned, flashed my best smile and said, "Thank you very much Demi". And so i continued to mope and think about why I'm not good enough alone in the grass. Pretty soon i had a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit. Luckily the cars started coming at this point so i had reason to be destracted.

I'm tired now and i feel like a big blob of hard, dry playdough. I just texted him asking if we are still friends. He said yes but just even the way he types and doesnt call me nicknames anymore makes me think otherwise. Ow! I hurt. :(

Depressing blog. But ehh thats how it is

~Mel~